FIFTY SHADES OF GREY: Go watch stuff on PornHub instead

Fifty-Shades-of-GreyThere’s very little I can say about this movie that hasn’t been already mentioned in previous reviews but I’ll go into detail about the parts that really ticked me off and the glaring flaws that just can not be ignored. Seriously, it’s easier to list down the problems of FIFTY SHADES instead of actually reviewing the thing.

First of all the whole premise of the movie is fucking stupid: it plays out like a bad amateur porno movie that can be viewed online (for free, too) taken way too seriously.The whole movie can be summarized as “Girl interviews rich guy… hot BDSM sex ensues.” The dialogue is laughable, the supposed romance is paper thin at best, the circumstances the characters find themselves in that lead to sex and/or BDSM is contrived and poorly written and the whole damn story is just fucking bad. Like I said, the movie plays out like a poorly written porno flick where a simple eye roll can suddenly lead to sexual spanking and a regular dinner date somehow ends up in a sex dungeon filled with whips and all kinds of leather. Every sexual encounter here is a slippery slope straight out of a horny teenager’s interpretation on how romance and sex should work (Ex. Open the door for a nice girl? CUE THE BLOWJOBS)

Second, the sex, which played a massive role in the movie’s ad campaigns and is a major draw for those who watched it on opening week, is weak and too far in between to give a damn about. For a movie that was advertised to be risque since it was tackling the BDSM culture through a cinematic perspective and since it also claimed to be a “sexual experience,” it showed only about 4 or 5 short sex scenes during its entire 2 hour run and said sex scenes weren’t even enticing in any way. The scenes are badly edited, they’re also played too safely (close to no actual BDSM makes it in the cut minus the obligatory cuffs, whips and blindfolds), they felt disjointed from the main story as a whole and to top it all off, they’re all done to the tune of bad pop songs in the background, further reinforcing the amateur porno comparison I’ll keep making for the duration of this list. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY committed the biggest crime an erotica movie can do and that is bore the living shit out of its audience with its sex scenes.

The characters themselves are really stupid and forgettable but surprisingly, the cast did a decent job, given the story’s shallow nature. It’s actually quite commendable that those in the acting department (and crew by extension) do the best they can with a script as weak as this but all the effort in the world isn’t enough to salvage this cinematic adaptation of someone’s wet dreams. The struggle of these people to break free from the material’s stupidity can be seen all throughout the movie but what is also visible is the studio’s violent crushing of this rebellion, leaving the audience to sloth through a poorly made attempt at erotica fiction. The characters are bland as fuck and only serve to be the toys and tools used to further the writer’s inner most desires, effectively making them the equivalent of the dolls in a sex offender’s play set. Nothing they do that leads them to conflict and/or sex makes any fucking sense and are all highly questionable, making the entire movie a collection of coincidences and encounters that just lead to kinky hour. It’s just really hard and unimaginable for me to take the “development” of these characters seriously when the turning point of the two leads is summarized in a spanking session. That’s right, the movie’s climax and turning point is a spanking session. It took Anastasia a spanking session to realize how much of a creepy, obsessed and all around abusive motherfucker Mr. Grey was after he raised a lot of stalker red flags that any sane person would notice in a heartbeat. That alone should speak for the movie’s intellect and how much it respects it target audience.

This movie is so bad that it made me question my favorite pastime because before this movie came along, I haven’t seen a movie in recent memory (outside of Uwe Boll productions and most mainstream Filipino movies) that literally has nothing to offer its audience. It was so fucking horrid that it made me want to go read ATLAS SHRUGGED again, a book that most everybody who knows me knows I fucking loathe, just to feel clean of this cinematic garbage. Even if ATLAS SHRUGGED is nothing but verbal diarrhea from Conservatives’ number one author and is (and will be) something I hate, it at least still has depth and an actual story going on alongside its long-winded elitist rants and 1% fucking. Hell, its sex scenes were better than what was shown in FIFTY SHADES OF GREY… and ATLAS SHRUGGED is a fucking political book, not even close to the erotica genre. If given the choice, I’d rather read 1200 pages of bullshit than force myself to watch this stupid fucking empty void of a movie again.  I won’t speak for the movie’s source material because I only read one page of the first part in a book store before I put it back down but as a piece of cinematic Erotica Fiction, FIFTY SHADES OF GREY has nothing beneath its infamy and name recall, giving this thing no goddamned right to even exist.

*If you want actual cinematic erotica or something along those lines, check out THE GRADUATE, THE SECRETARY or BASIC INSTINCT. Or, if you just want to go for the BDSM shit right away, fire up an Incognito window on Google Chrome and look for some online. I haven’t seen much of that kind of stuff since BDSM just isn’t my thing but I’m willing to bet that they have more substance than FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.


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