JUPITER ASCENDING: Attack of the Fandoms

Jupiter-Ascending
The latest effort from the Wachowski Siblings, JUPITER ASCENDING, aims to be the newest sci-fi cinematic epic but instead of becoming the next universe people want to jump into, it ends up becoming the cinematic equivalent of an avid cosplayer who wants to role play as a character from every single sci-fi fandom it belongs to. But since choosing just one character or fictional universe is next to impossible, JUPITER ASCENDING decides to get the best bits of each fandom and throw them in a fucking blender and hope for the best possible costume only for everything to fuck up before the blender explodes in a climax of too much nerd culture. 


Thanks to too many pirated elements, JUPITER ASCENDING can never settle on what kind of Sci-Fi story it wants to tell. Whether it wants to tell a Space Opera or a Political Thriller in the cosmos is never decided upon, thus leaving us with a massive mess of ideas that could’ve worked on their own but as part of a hodgepodge of ideas, they fuck things up. The story starts out simply enough as a Cinderella kind of fairy tale complete with the obligatory Poor Oppressed Maid doing her boring menial job everyday. Next thing the audience knows,  things escalate with the fantasy elements of the aforementioned fairy tale (only with spaceships) finally coming into play right before suddenly exploding into a STAR WARS level space opera AND THEN things hit utter insanity when feudal politics ala GAME OF THRONES and melodramatic bullshit dialogue and “love” scenes between girl and goat are supposed to be taken seriously. All of that just before the epic climax where the fate of the universe is at stake. If that shit sounds disorganized well you better fucking believe it is. 


Halfway through the movie, the mental chart of factions and motivations I made up got thrown into a paper shredder because I gave up trying to understand what the fuck the setting’s context was. The place wasn’t introduced and explained in a well paced, non-spoon fed manner like what the early STAR WARS films expertly did. Instead, ASCENDING’s setting and exposition was written in a 20 volume encyclopedia series that was then shoved down my throat right before a 100 point exam about Sean Bean and his bee genetics was given to everyone in the cinema.

But what’s an epic without conflict? The heroine of this story HAS to fight for something with massive stakes, right? True, but too bad ASCENDING has some of the most stereotypical ones in recent memory. The antagonists here are basically a duo of Whiny Evil British Siblings With Mommy Issues led by Ultra Whiny Evil British Man With Soar Throat And Mommy Issues (why do bad guys always hate their moms) who run an economy of skin whiteners literally made from the flesh of babies yet despite these obvious predictable villainous red flags, Mila Kunis falls for their bullshit. Girl, you live in 2015. You should’ve at least heard of GAME OF THRONES and watched that shit for a few helpful tips. And seriously, she falls for their crap not once, but THREE fucking times. I know she’s naive to the way the universe works in ASCENDING but she literally falls for their big words three separate times without getting a fucking clue from any of the previous encounters. This isn’t a fucking fairy tale, it’s a fucking over-bloated soap opera filled with all the worst stereotypes and writing imaginable only now set in space and with a massive financial budget.

And despite being one retarded cosplayer that ends up with a mess of ideas instead of being something that’s remotely coherent, decent and actually entertaining, I can’t hate JUPITER ASCENDING as much as I loathe TRANSFORMERS because it’s an original idea; a massive pastiche/homage or patchwork of rip-offs from far superior Sci-Fi epics, sure but still something that wasn’t based on a pre-existing material. I’m usually kinder to stuff like that because in this day and age of 80’s remakes, something original in the cinemas is a sight to behold… even if it’s a massive pile of confusing bullshit that’s acting bigger than it really is. Long story short it’s something I am not going near again. Even with that silver lining of slight originality plus those Cool Dragon Alien People Things, this movie is a big fucking mess and is definitely the kind of person I’d avoid in a local Komikon.

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