Three Amigos! (1986) – Dumb Mans’ Burden

Three-Amigos

With the massive number of movies we’ve made as a collective human race, it would be a near impossible task to try and classify every single story put on film into a nice catalog of genres and the like. To simplify this, one could generalize said shitload of movies into three categories. As you’ll see, quality doesn’t have anything to do with these classifications since hey, this is a generalization and if I had the choice, majority of the current network sponsored MMFF (Metro Manila Film Festival) movies from the past decade would eat the space in the “Bullshit” department and that would be plain unfair.

First, there are the movies that you just HAVE to talk about, whether it’s a good story or a steaming pile of horseshit. Next, there are the movies you simply acknowledge; they’re not too good or bad but you do know they exist to be a nice conversation piece for certain occasions. Last and definitely the least, you have those movies that are better left forgotten because they’re just that forgettable.

The Comedy/Western movie THREE AMIGOS! falls squarely in the third category and as its description implies, is better left forgotten because it’s that bland a piece of shit.

There is so little that can be said about this movie because it doesn’t even both trying to be better than its Family Friendly peers nor does it try to be the raunchiest of all things rated R: it just exists because someone threw enough money at some actors who were willing to play retarded versions of themselves in the Mexican heat. It’s just something that I watched out of curiosity and forgot about literally an hour later. Hell, I remembered the story of an episode of STEVEN UNIVERSE from two days ago better than the shit that occurred in this so called Western Adventure.

THREE AMIGOS! has a premise that is perfect for a good Comedy Movie: Thanks to a misread telegram and outright stupidity, a bunch of dumbass actors with nothing but an ego where their brain should be find themselves pulled into the middle of a fight between a village and a gang of bandits where they become the Wild Cards of the conflict. With this parody of SEVEN SAMURAI’s classic plot only this time told with a bunch of Unwitting Heroes at the center, THREE AMIGOS! squanders any such potential by resorting to repetitive humor that takes the least amount of effort to produce. The humor here isn’t even offensive or mean spirited, it’s just fucking lame and lazy. This is the kind of humor one would find in a cheap joke book being sold in a second hand bookstore alongside those shitty pick-up line guides and back issues of certain porno magazines. Maybe that’s where the writers found their source of inspiration for the “comedy” in THREE AMIGOS! and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was what really happened.

The only thing that could make a bad joke worse is if it lasted longer than it really should and THREE AMIGOS! does just that at such an expert rate you’d think the writers of THREE AMIGOS! gave more than a fuck for maybe two seconds . For every joke that works and manages to seem inspired, the movie decides to take it and either repeat it far too many damn times or keep that shit running for god knows how long. Dance numbers that were funny the first few times are repeated as if to hammer in some incomprehensible point in and unfunny exchanges of dialogue just go on and on. As mentioned earlier, the reason why the humor in THREE AMIGOS! doesn’t work is not because it pushed the wrong buttons nor is it because it pissed off some Social Justice Wanker but they don’t register a laugh out of most people simply because the jokes here are just outright childish.

THREE AMIGOS! is considered to be a Family Movie but the thing about Family Movies is that they have to entertain all sides of the front. There has to be a good balance of humor for both kids and adults and while there are genuinely funny moments and lines that only those above the age of 15 will get, these are outnumbered and drowned by shit that ranges from slapstick to people doing stupid shit and getting away with it.  And these good laughs were delivered not by the main trio but instead, they were said by the side characters. While the likes of the infamous El Guapo and the unnamed Germans engage in some of the more memorable banters, the titular Tres Amigos recite their jokes in such a bored manner that it isn’t hard to believe the possibility that the actors were too busy waiting for their paychecks to give a shit. 

Don’t get me wrong, they do get some zingers here and there especially in the instances when the trio lets their ego get in the way of better judgement but for the most part, a good number of the supposed jokes are derived from laughing at how awkward and stupid they look in the current scene. Maybe making silly noises and faces works in MR. BEAN or some random 90’s Nickelodeon cartoon but in a movie that’s supposed to be driven by Funny People and not Cartoon Characters, watching a bunch of grown-ass middle aged men trying to impersonate Two-Dimensional Talking Animals is more depressing than entertaining. Add in an out of place sequence with fantasy elements that are never brought up again and a finale that completely fucks things up by making an enormous fucking plothole that questions the village’s need for help against the bandits in the first place, THREE AMIGOS! ends up being a lazy comedy that’s better left forgotten because it’s just a boring waste of time.

It’s pretty sad when the audience decides to laugh AT the comedian and not WITH the comedian and THREE AMIGOS! is that one comedian whose laugh is more entertaining than the jokes that come spewing out of their mouth. There comes a time when you just have to tell that one person in the party that their jokes aren’t funny at all not because they’re being pricks but rather, they just suck major shit. THREE AMIGOS! is that comedic wannabe that should learn to shut the fuck up because they’re just not funny and the asshole who invited them over should get a fucking chair to the face.

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