FANT4STIC (2015) – Suicidal Special Snowflake Squad

Fant4stic

Have you ever heard of Murphy’s Law? Long story short and for those who haven’t seen last year’s INTERSTELLAR, Murphy’s Law simply states that if something can go wrong, it will. It’s not a purely pessimistic maxim but rather it’s one that begs listeners to be as cautious as possible because, as stated, if something can fuck up it WILL fuck up if nothing is done about it.

The reason why I mention this popular theory is because it applies well to the current 2015 Blockbuster Season. So far, the 2015 Blockbuster Season has been having quite a good run, even if there were some letdowns like this year’s pair of Marvel movies (I don’t hate them but they could’ve been better). I’ve seen a good number of this year’s biggest movies and while I can nitpick all day on stuff like JURASSIC WORLD, I can confidently say that 2015’s crop of movies is a lot better than what was seen in previous years. But Murphy’s Law being Murphy’s Law, this good streak finally comes to a crashing halt with what could easily be this year’s worst movie if it weren’t for a certain BDSM themed movie released in this year’s month of love. Enter the newly rebooted FANTASTIC FOUR (or FANT4STIC if the posters are to be followed), which is by far the worst Superhero Movie in recent memory.

FANT4STIC (seriously who the fuck thought of that title) is so fucking horrid that it’s near impossible to talk about its flaws one by one; this is the rare movie in the current Superhero Cinematic Boom that embodies everything wrong that could be done in a cinematic adventure featuring Costumed Crusaders. It’s pretty fucking shocking that this piece of crap came from the same studio that gave audiences the flawed but still awesome X-MEN movie franchise and while the Mutants have had some rough patches like hiring the fucking RUSH HOUR guy to make an entry, FANT4STIC manages to make the movie where Deadpool’s mouth was fucking stitched shut look like a masterpiece. This movie not only shits on the source material but it also shits on audiences who were willing to give it a shot; it’s a fucking insult to anyone who just wanted to have a fun time in the theater while watching the comic books’ very first Superpowered Family hit the big screen again.  The only reason why such a piece of crap such as this exists is because 20th Century Fox needed any excuse to keep the rights of the Four away from Marvel and this cynical train of thought rears its ugly fucking mug with great pride in every second of this horrid movie .

First and foremost, the most obvious problem of FANT4STIC is its tone. Now, to be clear, I am not against the idea of turning a comic book story into something darker and grittier in the name of Realism. If it can be done right, hey, why the hell not, right? Christopher Nolan’s DARK KNIGHT trilogy and the Bryan Singer X-MEN movies are perfect examples of translating what’s normally called a Childish Dream into something that makes sense in our complicated social and political environment, with THE DARK KNIGHT tapping into modern day morality about ends and means while the X-MEN movies delved their hands into xenophobia and genetic superiority. It takes a skilled writer to bring a comic book story to the big screen and add new depth to it while never forgetting what made the source material memorable in the first place and sadly, FANT4STIC decided to leave writing duties to some fucking emo brat who ate too many Philosophy 101 papers.

The overall tone of FANT4STIC can only be described as Pretentious As Fuck because the movie is beyond desperate to prove that it’s NOT your usual Comic Book Movie but rather, it’s a deep and thought provoking Character Analysis With Sci-Fi Elements. This is the first Superhero Movie I have seen where the characters claim that their powers are (GASP) not powers because, you fucking dumb ape, they’re actually Scientific Anomalies From Dimension Zero. Seriously, that’s an actual fucking line in the movie said by Sue/Invisible Woman. The themes of FANT4STIC are actually some interesting bits, with the government and military trying to harness the powers of the four for their own purposes but these are handled so fucking poorly that instead of becoming a reflection of today’s morally complicated political landscape, FANT4STIC instead paints things in cartoonish fight between the Good Guys (the science guys) and the Bad Guys (the government). If given to a better writer, these themes would’ve been fleshed out in ways only a good Superhero Movie could do as seen in the likes of CAPT. AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER but here, they’re instead handled in a really immature and haughty know-it-all manner of speaking that it’s impossible to fight the urge to fucking punch someone in the cast because these guys don’t talk: they fucking lecture. Not one second is wasted into hammering in how EVIL the dudes in military uniforms are and how much better it is to be free of government control that you’d feel like you were in a fucking rally lead by Student Activists whose entire rhetoric is based on a single biased article from the school paper.

Never have I seen a Superhero Movie that outright despises its Comic Book origins and FANT4STIC makes damn sure you know they don’t give a flying fuck about the comics the movie was based on in the first fucking place. The titular four act completely out of character by being Mean Spirited Dicks instead of the Loving Family Unit they were in the comics, the story takes itself WAY too fucking seriously by wasting so much time on buildup for a shitty payoff and don’t even get me started on the abomination that is Doom (this movie’s too fucking edgy to put the Dr. there). As mentioned earlier, the core team can only talk in the annoying dialect of Pretentious Bullshit because for a bunch of motherfucking college student aged young adults, they sound like philosophers who are too smart and intellectual for this dumbass world. It may make sense to have a prodigy in there like Reed Richards in this science themed story but having him talk about teleportation devices in full detail at the fucking age of 10 is beyond unbelievable; it’s fucking pretentious. He’s a fucking Special Snowflake, we get it.

Add in dialogue highlights such as Sue saying that music is actually a pattern of soundwaves meant to stimulate the brain’s pleasure centers and Doom scolding everyone for being humans and you have a fucking winner for the Most Rods Up Their Ass award. Speaking of Doom, remember how that guy was a self-proclaimed king in the comics? Here, he’s a fucking basement dwelling internet nerd. I’m not kidding; they take this iconic comic book character of unlimited power and turn him into a fucking Armchair Internet Philosopher who’s entire motivation is summed up as “humans suck” because the asshole’s obviously seen too much anime featuring everyone’s favorite Required Murderous Philosopher and lurked too much in the toxic internet forums where a discussion of the latest CALL OF DUTY game can lead to a debate about God. Maybe the writers wanted to put a fucking Self-Insert Character into this piece of shit movie just to stroke their egos and if that was the case, they got their fucking reflection written perfectly.

There’s no silver lining in FANT4STIC because even every other element that’s meant to entertain the movie audience is just bad. MAN OF STEEL, which suffered the same tone problems, at least had some genuine character moments alongside impressive action sequences filled with mindless destruction to compensate its flaws but in FANT4STIC, there’s nothing. There is literally NOTHING that can salvage this movie outside of the occasional glitters of potential that were suffocated by the combined forces of Studio Interference and the Director’s Ego.  Everything that should make a good Superhero Movie is missing in FANT4STIC, whether it be in the Character Development or the Action and in a time when Superhero Movies are finally getting the respect and maturity they deserve, FANT4STIC’s lack of credibility is not only disappointing, it’s appalling.

Save for the fucking slow origin story that eats up almost an hour of the movie’s running time, everything in this movie feels and looks rushed and that’s because they fucking are. This is seen explicitly in the short-lived “action packed” finale where after maybe 2 minutes of fighting, the thing threatening to destroy all of humanity is defeated by a fucking bitch slap. I wish I made that shit up but I didn’t.

Character arcs are concluded right away just in time for the big confrontation against Doom with little to no development to speak of (they start out as Dicks and end up being Superpowered Dicks), motivations are glossed over before being ignored and the action is a fucking joke. What little action and super powered scenes there were in FANT4STIC looked cheap as hell and felt like they came from the days of the early 2000’s when CGI was still on its way to being fully mastered. For a movie based on a comic book filled with Superpowered Adventures, the presence of these powers (sorry, ANOMALIES) was barely felt and they felt more like an afternote the director chronically forgot about while he was making his awesome Philosophical Thought Provoking Jerk-Off Movie.

After seeing amazing movies like MAD MAX: FURY ROAD and MR. HOLMES on the bigscreen, I guess it was time that Murphy’s Law came along and brought things down for a bit. What goes up must come down and the 2015 Blockbuster Season took one hell of a fucking downer with the release of FANT4STIC not in the financial sense but in the quality of the damn thing. Hopefully, this movie will serve as an example of what not to do in a Superhero Movie for future creators in this growing cinematic genre.

FANT4STIC is the pile of dogshit in a barrel of apples no one asked for and it’s so bad it made GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE (a movie I despise) look great. Its stink may not be enough to contaminate the entire barrel but it’s bound to be something (thankfully) looked down on with disgust due to how self-important this Ego Masturbation Tool of a movie is. The only reason why I can’t say that this is the worst movie of the year is because I saw another piece of shit called FIFTY SHADES OF GREY and lord knows how fucking terrible that cheap porno was.

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