TMNT: Out Of The Shadows (2016) Review – Saturday Morning Pain

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The worst kind of bad movie is the kind that has no redeeming factors and no possible avenue for enjoyment – and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows is the perfect example of this kind of cinematic atrocity.

As a sequel to the live-action TMNT movie from 2014, Out Of The Shadows finds the heroes in a half shell facing their nemesis Shredder (Brian Tee) again – only now he’s allied himself with the mad scientist Doctor Baxter Stockman (Tyler Perry), the mutant henchmen Bebop (Gary Anthony Williams) and Rocksteady (Sheamus), and the alien conqueror Krang (Brad Garett). The turtles recruit old and new friends (including the vigilante Casey Jones) to protect the world, while also dealing with some unavoidable personal issues.

Out Of The Shadows was marketed as a brainless summer movie, but watching it is anything but entertaining. For a movie with a lot of shit happening onscreen, Out Of The Shadows still managed to be one of the most fucking tedious cinematic experiences I’ve had in recent memory, similar to Lars Von Tier’s cinematic masturbation Antichrist – only without the pretensions artistic shots of nature and genital mutilation.

A Childish Assault On The Senses

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One major criticism of the previous TMNT movie was how little it resembled the source material, despite bearing the same name. Bay’s first round with the turtles felt more like some fucked up mix of a Batman movie (vigilantes hiding in the shadows) and another disposable Transformers installment (excessive special effects and general stupidity). Out Of The Shadows addressed this by adding popular characters, increasing the turtle’s presence and focusing on the “fun” aspects like action. Yet somehow, Out Of The Shadows still fucked it up.

Due to the sheer number of characters, Out Of The Shadows doesn’t focus on anything, instead assaulting audiences with hollow action set-pieces, pointless subplots that are resolved in two seconds flat and childish humor that involves farts. These kinds of scenes are not bad on their own, but they need even the smallest bit of context and emotional investment to matter – both of which Out Of The Shadows lacks, making it all mean fuck-all by the end. Basically, Out Of The Shadows threw a massive pile of feces at viewers while hoping that something would stick.

Any characterization or plot development Out Of The Shadows had is rushed so that the movie could get to the action, resulting in a near endless barrage on the senses that wears audiences’ patience thin. With the exception of Tyler goddamned Perry of all people, none of the characters looked like they gave a fuck since they’re all nothing but pale caricatures of what a compelling onscreen character should be. Granted, the comedic duo of Bebop and Rocksteady had some moments, but by the nth time the fuckers laugh at nothing and exclaim My Man!, you’d be hoping that one of the turtles would just fucking behead them for murdering the expression.

The only way this could have been possible was if the writers had the mental capacity of a horny 13 year old – which Out Of The Shadows all but confirms with its poor excuse of a plot structure. To put things in context, Out Of The Shadows tells its story the same way a child playing with action figures would: scattered, nonsensical and suffering from short attention span. While a growing kid may be excused for doing so, the same should can not be said for a fucking multi-million blockbuster movie such as this.

Tedious Movie, Needless Torture

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Apart from being one of the worst pieces of crap Michael Bay’s name could be attached to, the saddest thing about Out Of The Shadows is that it’s so convinced of its awesomeness despite being a steaming pile of shit. This delusion of grandeur is part of the reason why Out Of The Shadows never lets up from forcing its viewers to sloth through a movie that has more in common with watching a boring video game cut-scene than some decent dumb cinematic fun like Vin Diesel’s xXx movies.

Out Of The Shadows may have butchered the titular Turtles once again, but the biggest casualty this time around is the audience. Even by PG-13 summer blockbuster standards, Out Of The Shadows steps to an all new low by treating its viewers like idiots even if it is one of the stupidest fucking movies of the year. It may not be obvious to some, but Out Of The Shadows is one of the most cynical movies made in recent memory.

The writers didn’t add Casey Jones (Stephen Amell) or Krang because they loved these characters while growing up – they did so just to make those annoying fanboys shut the fuck up and stop complaining about an excess of a scantily clad Megan Fox strutting around in a movie titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Out Of The Shadows doesn’t let emotions sink in or to let characters grow on viewers because apparentlythe only way to entertain audiences is to show a plethora of explosions, fights, repetitive exposition and fart jokes instead of treating viewers like intelligent beings who deserve a compelling movie. Words are for nerds, and the cool kids love exploding bullshit and smoking hot babes (if you actually believe in that mantra, please go fuck yourself).

In a year already filled with some rather disappointing movies, Out Of The Shadows stands out not only for being one of the worst examples of how to make a summer blockbuster, but also for being one of the best ways to waste more than 100 million Dollars.I’m not the biggest TMNT fan, but I’m familiar enough with them to know that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows was essentially Michael Bay and company taking a massive shit on the Turtle legacy. When a movie’s sole redeeming factor is a pair of bumbling idiots who love the smell of each other’s ass-gas while comparing dick sizes, you know that movie’s fucked six ways to Sunday.


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