Given how I hail from a country that glorifies shit and stupidity in all forms, it was inevitable that I’d end up seeing Enteng Kabisote due to how ubiquitous it is. That, and I was goaded to watch it by a bunch of soulless motherfuckers who wanted to read about my suffering (you fuckers know who you are).
Enteng Kabisote 10 And The Abangers is the tenth entry in the long running Enteng Kabisote franchise that first began life in 2004. This time around, Enteng Kabisote (Vic Sotto) helps a wayward group of refugee magical parlor gays fight the evil Doctor Kwak Kwak (Epi Quizon) to save both the real world and the magical realm. Along the way, he must also resolve his family issues and teach life lessons.
I watched Enteng Kabisote 10 with an open mind, despite my low expectations, the fact that I never watched a previous Enteng Kabisote, and the negative reputation associated with the franchise. Long story short, it’s an atrocious piece of shit. Read on for the lengthened short story.
Shit Out Of Time
The sad thing about Enteng Kabisote 10 is that someone forgot to remind the movie that the year it was released in is 2016 – not 2004. Among the outdated jokes that define Enteng Kabisote 10 are: Predictable puns, whimsical sexual harassment, too many fucking loudmouthed parlor gays, and mangling any word from the English language by saying it in the worst accents possible – all staples of my country’s fucking horrid mainstream movie scene. If you’ve seen one shitty Filipino comedy movie, you’ve seen them all.
Maybe if I were the mentally handicapped man-child this crap was made for, then I would love the shit out of it. But the children who once laughed at Enteng Kabisote have since outgrown this kind of crap, forcing Enteng Kabisote to do the unthinkable: Innovate.
And thus, Enteng Kabisote 10 panders instead of maturing, using outdated memes (i.e. Ang Tatlong Bibe) and nods to fading pop culture trends (i.e. AlDub) for the bulk of its humor. Enteng Kabisote 10 is so out of touch that it rips off Iron Man 3, thinking that the worst Iron Man movie from a few years back is still hip. Maybe ten years from now, Enteng Kabisote 20 will discover something called Captain America: Civil War and rip the shit out of it.
And then halfway through the movie, Enteng Kabisote 10 stops trying, fucks off, and chills in Bohol. Granted, Bohol is a beautiful place anyone should check out before dying, but this is a FANTASY movie – not a fucking two hour tourism ad sponsored by the Department Of Tourism.
Fear And Denial In Bohol
Character development and narrative depth are nonexistent, since they’re sacrificed to make way for Bohol ads and Vic Sotto’s ego. Outside of contractual shots of hotels and restaurants Enteng Kabisote 10 demands you should check out in Bohol, Enteng Kabisote 10 dedicates its run time to Vic Sotto’s soapbox speeches where he berates audiences for not heeding his sagely advice. Among his lectures are on the evils of technology, all of which is brought about by the least duck looking evil duck-man imaginable, who wants to take over the world via a nefarious gaming app because he’s ugly.
No, I did not make that shit up. That is the movie’s actual plot.
After wasting more than half of its run time on repetitive jokes and shoehorned lessons about family values, Enteng Kabisote 10 suddenly remembers that it is a FANTASY movie. So it throws in a choppy action packed third act that’s on par with cosplayers go at it in a Youtube video. The thing is, Enteng Kabisote was made with a million Peso budget, not a freelancer’s monthly financial income. You’d think that this large amount of money would inspire some effort in Enteng Kabisote 10, but apparently, paying for a shoot in Bohol was more important than getting a fucking decent writer.
Ironically, one of the lessons Enteng Kabisote 10 shoves down viewers’ throats is one of respecting elders, not because they deserve it but because the idiotic young ones are obliged to do so – even if the family patriarch (i.e. Enteng) is a fucking self-centered wanker. This particular theme is actually fitting for the tenth Enteng Kabisote, because it’s a shitshow that demands to be taken seriously even if it has more stereotypical parlor gays than quality. Sad as it may be, Enteng Kabisote 10 and its stars are in denial of how insignificant they have become – a truth reflected by the movie itself.
Not With A Bang, But A Fart
Enteng Kabisote 10 is not only the worst kind of bad movie – i.e. the kind that is so bad that it leaves you with nothing – but it is also one of the most cynical and condescending forms of filmmaking I’ve seen. This film was so cocksure about scoring the lucrative holiday release and the usual audience, so the filmmakers didn’t bother putting any kind of effort in their work. Enteng Kabisote 10 viewed its target audience with such low regard that it thought it could get away with flinging its liquid shit at viewers again – just as the franchise and its ilk have done in the past.
The only good thing about Enteng Kabisote 10 is that it perfectly embodies the dying breaths of sub-par Filipino film-making. For as long as I can remember, the local Metro Manila Film Fest (MMFF) was nothing but a parade of brainless bullshit and the epitome of Filipino stupidity prior to the 2016 presidential elections. There were occasional gems, but the MMFF went out of its way to strong-arm substance out of cinemas to make way for even more fucking two hour commercials and parlor gay movies.
This year, things changed for the better, and brainless shit like Enteng Kabisote 10 are the ones out on the curb while those with quality are given their long overdue spotlight. Metaphorically speaking, Enteng Kabisote 10 And The Abangers serves as the long awaited swan song of every constipated shit’s ending: the sweet sound of a toilet’s flush.
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