‘Transformers: The Last Knight’ (2017) Review – Bayformers, The Fifth One


It’s easy to exaggerate the quality of Transformers and claim it’s the worst thing mankind made, but the argument is somewhat justified for Transformers: The Last Knight. While it may not be as harmful as the resurgence of radical nationalism or circle-jerks caught on film, the newest Transformers is still a fucking atrocity that deserves every insult that will be thrown its way.

Without Optimus Prime’s leadership and now that they’re being hunted by the world’s governments, the Transformers have gone into hiding. Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) continues to help the remaining Autobots, but a larger destiny awaits him as the resurrection of the Transformers’ homeworld Cyberton could end humanity. Even worse, Optimus is leading the coming onslaught, putting him at odds with the planet he once called his second home.

At this point, little could be said about the flaws of a Transformers movie because all five movies are the same fucking thing. With the exception of the first one and its groundbreaking special effects, the Transformers movies have no innovation to speak of, and The Last Knight continues this tiresome exercise in repetition.

Revenge Of The Repeats

As usual, the cast is filled with too many obnoxious stereotypes, all of whom get less than a minute of screentimeFor the fifth time, the Earth is fucked because of ancient Cybertronian jargon, and god knows how many explosions ensue before the obligatory dragged out action-packed finale. How humanity got used to this annual Armageddon, I’m sure I don’t know. And again, Optimus Prime heroically gives an inspiring speech that will rouse viewers’ exasperation since as many as 14 of these fucking movies are currently in the works.

If there’s one thing worthy of praise in The Last Knight, it’s the criminally underused Izabella (Isabela Moner). Though Izabella is the stereotypical spunky tomboy seen in every action movie, Moner brings enough charisma and charm for audiences to latch onto, and it won’t be surprising if the young actress scores more movie appearances in the future. That, and watching Sir Anthony Hopkins not give a fuck by playing the worst possible British caricature imaginable was kind of fun.

But as is tradition for each Transformers movie, every shred of humanity in The Last Knight is set aside in favor of stupid writing and immature humor meant for the brain dead motherfuckers who keep demanding for more Transformers. For a movie titled Transformers, the appalling number of sex jokes, racial/gender stereotypes, childish machismo and the general lack of humanity among the human characters outnumbers the one thing people want in a Transformers movie: the fucking Transformers.

Age Of Extinct Fucks To Give

The worst thing about The Last Knight is how little of a fuck both audiences and the movie itself give for whatever is happening onscreen. Like the previous Transformers sequels, The Last Knight may have a lot of subplots but none of these matter, which begs the question as to why they were introduced in the first place.

Rather than develop interesting ideas like the secret involvement of the Transformers throughout human history, Cybertron’s impending resurrection, how society changed because of constant alien wars, and the impact these have on humans and Transformers, The Last Knight makes more sex jokes and shows off American military hardware because storytelling is hard. It’s worth noting that the Autobots don’t have any qualms about blowing up their homeplanet, emphasizing the lack of fucks this movie has. Telling a compelling story was never the goal of Transformers, but rather, to appeal to the most juvenile and simplistic sides of the target audience – which is confirmed by how hollow The Last Knight is. 

The Last Knight never stops to let the anything settle in. Before anyone could make sense of the chaotic action set-pieces that are obscured by sparks and slow-motion, another fucking action set-piece begins. Perhaps this was done to keep viewers distracted from the ineptitude of The Last Knight, but the fifth time around is definitely not the fucking charm. And surprisingly unlike the previous movies, not one fight in The Last Knight is worth the price of admission. For a movie that has giant robot sword-fights and Mecha King Ghidorah, this is just fucking pathetic.

The Worst Knight

The Transformers franchise has had a generous lifespan of five entries, but five movies in and not one of them could get the basics of filmmaking and storytelling right. Explosions and yelling may make an action scene, but they don’t make a movie – let alone an entire fucking series of them. With a collective budget large enough to buy a small country, some would expect Transformers to give even the least amount of effort required to make a movie, but this is not the case as proven by The Last Knight.

Cynical, condescending, lowbrow and devoid of any creative substance, Transformers: The Last Knight is an assault on the senses that will leave viewers physically exhausted after viewing it. It may not be the worst entry in the franchise, but it’s definitely one of the worst movies of the year.

To put things in perspective, The Last Knight began by expecting audiences to cry over a literal pile of rocks. Granted, Izabella gave it a name but it’s still a fucking pile of rocks. If this doesn’t look like the lowest that the Transformers movies could sink to, then I don’t know what it is.

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