‘Transformers: The Last Knight’ (2017) Review – Bayformers, The Fifth One

Transformers-The-Last-Knight

It’s easy to exaggerate the quality of Transformers and claim it’s the worst thing mankind made, but the argument is somewhat justified for Transformers: The Last Knight. While it may not be as harmful as the resurgence of radical nationalism or circle-jerks caught on film, the newest Transformers is still a fucking atrocity that deserves every insult that will be thrown its way.

Without Optimus Prime’s leadership and now that they’re being hunted by the world’s governments, the Transformers have gone into hiding. Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) continues to help the remaining Autobots, but a larger destiny awaits him as the resurrection of the Transformers’ homeworld Cyberton could end humanity. Even worse, Optimus is leading the coming onslaught, putting him at odds with the planet he once called his second home.

At this point, little could be said about the flaws of a Transformers movie because all five movies are the same fucking thing. With the exception of the first one and its groundbreaking special effects, the Transformers movies have no innovation to speak of, and The Last Knight continues this tiresome exercise in repetition.

Revenge Of The Repeats

As usual, the cast is filled with too many obnoxious stereotypes, all of whom get less than a minute of screentimeFor the fifth time, the Earth is fucked because of ancient Cybertronian jargon, and god knows how many explosions ensue before the obligatory dragged out action-packed finale. How humanity got used to this annual Armageddon, I’m sure I don’t know. And again, Optimus Prime heroically gives an inspiring speech that will rouse viewers’ exasperation since as many as 14 of these fucking movies are currently in the works.

If there’s one thing worthy of praise in The Last Knight, it’s the criminally underused Izabella (Isabela Moner). Though Izabella is the stereotypical spunky tomboy seen in every action movie, Moner brings enough charisma and charm for audiences to latch onto, and it won’t be surprising if the young actress scores more movie appearances in the future. That, and watching Sir Anthony Hopkins not give a fuck by playing the worst possible British caricature imaginable was kind of fun.

But as is tradition for each Transformers movie, every shred of humanity in The Last Knight is set aside in favor of stupid writing and immature humor meant for the brain dead motherfuckers who keep demanding for more Transformers. For a movie titled Transformers, the appalling number of sex jokes, racial/gender stereotypes, childish machismo and the general lack of humanity among the human characters outnumbers the one thing people want in a Transformers movie: the fucking Transformers.

Age Of Extinct Fucks To Give

The worst thing about The Last Knight is how little of a fuck both audiences and the movie itself give for whatever is happening onscreen. Like the previous Transformers sequels, The Last Knight may have a lot of subplots but none of these matter, which begs the question as to why they were introduced in the first place.

Rather than develop interesting ideas like the secret involvement of the Transformers throughout human history, Cybertron’s impending resurrection, how society changed because of constant alien wars, and the impact these have on humans and Transformers, The Last Knight makes more sex jokes and shows off American military hardware because storytelling is hard. It’s worth noting that the Autobots don’t have any qualms about blowing up their homeplanet, emphasizing the lack of fucks this movie has. Telling a compelling story was never the goal of Transformers, but rather, to appeal to the most juvenile and simplistic sides of the target audience – which is confirmed by how hollow The Last Knight is. 

The Last Knight never stops to let the anything settle in. Before anyone could make sense of the chaotic action set-pieces that are obscured by sparks and slow-motion, another fucking action set-piece begins. Perhaps this was done to keep viewers distracted from the ineptitude of The Last Knight, but the fifth time around is definitely not the fucking charm. And surprisingly unlike the previous movies, not one fight in The Last Knight is worth the price of admission. For a movie that has giant robot sword-fights and Mecha King Ghidorah, this is just fucking pathetic.

The Worst Knight

The Transformers franchise has had a generous lifespan of five entries, but five movies in and not one of them could get the basics of filmmaking and storytelling right. Explosions and yelling may make an action scene, but they don’t make a movie – let alone an entire fucking series of them. With a collective budget large enough to buy a small country, some would expect Transformers to give even the least amount of effort required to make a movie, but this is not the case as proven by The Last Knight.

Cynical, condescending, lowbrow and devoid of any creative substance, Transformers: The Last Knight is an assault on the senses that will leave viewers physically exhausted after viewing it. It may not be the worst entry in the franchise, but it’s definitely one of the worst movies of the year.

To put things in perspective, The Last Knight began by expecting audiences to cry over a literal pile of rocks. Granted, Izabella gave it a name but it’s still a fucking pile of rocks. If this doesn’t look like the lowest that the Transformers movies could sink to, then I don’t know what it is.


For more, check out the links below.

  • Follow the Faceook Page here!
  • Follow other articles, click here!

‘Wonder Woman’ (2017) Review – Wonders of Wonders

Wonder-Woman

After a string of disappointments, a lot of pressure was on Wonder Woman to not only impress but to redeem the DC Extended Universe (DCEU). Needless to say, the cinematic debut of DC’s lasso-wielding heroine did not fail to impress.

Set against the backdrop of World War I, Wonder Woman shows how Princess Diana (Gal Gadot) became the Amazonian warrior who saved the world. After Capt. Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) crash-lands into the Amazonian homeland of Themyscira, Diana follows him back to the outside world to bring an end to the war to end all wars by hunting down the god of war himself, Ares.

When compared to a neon-colored ode to schlock and a two Superman movies that were so far up their own asses that the dialogue unsurprisingly sounded like bullshit, it’s easy to call Diana’s origin movie a cinematic masterpiece, but that would be unfair to its individual merits.

Old-School Super Heroics

Wonder Woman has everything a good superhero movie should have: a compelling lead, a good roster of supporting characters, kick-ass action scenes, a balanced tone, and most importantly, a great cinematic origin story. This may seem like a tall order, but Wonder Woman does a fine job of balancing everything. Each element compliments the other, making a simple yet engaging origin story.

It’s hard to not like Gal Gadot as Diana, since she effortlessly turns the Amazonian warrior into someone who’s easy to relate to. As Diana learns more about the world, the audience sees what lies beneath the badass motherfucker she is today.  She may go through some predictable character arcs, but Diana’s transformation from naive newcomer to experienced heroine earns the right to show these moments. If given to another director, Diana’s banter and eventual romance with Steve may have come out as cheesy or corny, but in the hands of director Patty Jenkins, it comes out as heartfelt and emotional in Wonder Woman.

Technically speaking, the worst that could be said about Wonder Woman is that the middle act needed trimming, the supporting cast needed more time to shine, and the movie follows an all too familiar formula. It’s hard for Wonder Woman to stand out among other superhero origin stories, but what sets it apart is how enjoyable yet dramatic it is. Where other superhero origin movies lazily follow a checklist before calling it a day, Wonder Woman shakes things up by doing everything the DCEU wanted to do but failed miserably at.

The Right Shade of Dark

Wonder Woman doesn’t feel like a DCEU movie, and that’s what makes it worth watching. Gone is the needless cynicism of Man of Steel, the juvenile angst of Batman V Superman, and the chaotic clusterfuck of Suicide Squad. In place of these crippling flaws is a well-structured origin story about a heroine who struggles to make sense of the new world she finds herself in.

The DCEU was proudly heralded as the adult-oriented counterpart to the family-friendly Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU), but this shared universe was as “adult” as what a teenage edgelord lurking in the comments sections might say. Wonder Woman, on the other hand, has no such pretense and embraces the fact that it’s based on a comic book, not a simplistic, college-grade understanding of Nietzsche’s philosophy. Combining its comic book origins with a good understanding of how to tackle heavy themes regarding mankind’s evils – which is amplified by the general senselessness of World War I: a historical conflict rarely seen in film due to its amorality – Wonder Woman speaks a timely message that hasn’t been heard in most superhero movies and gives the movie an unexpected emotional weight.

Even if said theme is debated by Diana and the movie’s overall antagonist through a super-powered fistfight with cliché-ridden dialogue that would feel at home in a Saturday Morning Cartoon featuring talking cartoon animals, Wonder Woman comes out as sincere instead of preachy or stupidly bleak. This is due to how Wonder Woman was written as an even-handed approach and stab at the various issues it tackles, resulting in a fair and balanced movie that will leave viewers thinking about some seriously heavy shit by the time the end credits roll.

A New DCEU

The biggest fault of the previous DCEU movies was that they failed to entertain and inspire people, despite each entry having its own dedicated set of fans. Wonder Woman achieves both of these goals and creates a great superhero origin story that just fell short of achieving perfection. Diana’s story of self-discovery is a fun, colorful and hopeful movie that shows the best and worst of humanity in all of the ways a good superhero movie should.

For those like myself who were burned out by the DCEU and were close to giving up on any future DC movie that wasn’t animated, Wonder Woman will rekindle that confidence and excitement first felt when the teaser trailer for Batman V Superman deceived people into thinking that DC’s first major cinematic crossover would be anything but a pretentious piece of shit. Simply put, Wonder Woman is fucking awesome.

Hopefully, Wonder Woman won’t just earn a profit but will pave the path for more equally well-made DCEU movies that can inspire their respective target audiences to do more than fanatically defend some of the worst superhero movies of recent memory.


For more, check out the links below.

  • Follow the Faceook Page here!
  • Follow other articles, click here!

‘Colossal’ (2017) Review – Monstrous Emotional Baggage

Colossal

Kaiju movies have it hard: when there’s not enough monsters, old-school genre fans throw a bitch fit. When there’s not enough humanized characters, general audiences and critics dismiss the movie as brainless. Colossal challenges this stigma by doing both, and the results are something to behold.

In Colossal, Gloria (Anne Hathaway) just hit rock bottom. After losing her job, boyfriend and residence in New York City, Gloria retreats to her childhood hometown to find herself. It’s back here where Gloria discovers that for some reason, she controls a gigantic monster that appears over Seoul, South Korea every time she gets drunk. Together with some old friends, Gloria tries to learn the reasons behind her monstrous connection and how to control it.

Colossal may look like a high-concept comedy that was written while high, but it’s nothing like a circle-jerk that glorifies alcoholism and hedonism – such as anything Seth Rogen farts into existence. Instead, Colossal is one of the most unique films to ever hit the big screen and one that exists on its own plane of being.

A Monster Named Gloria

None of the absurdity in Colossal would have been plausible if not for the acting, and this is one of the movie’s biggest strengths. Colossal not only has Anne Hathaway making one hell of a comeback after a relative hiatus following her award-winning turn in the severely overrated Les Miserables, but Colossal boasts one of her best performances to date that’s backed up by an impressive cast of supporting characters.

At worst, some of the minor players are unceremoniously dropped by the movie’s end, though their absence does little to affect the story’s conclusion because their arcs were already wrapped up prior. A short epilogue for some of them would’ve been greatly appreciated, though.

It’s through these expertly directed and executed performances that Colossal hits all of its emotional beats with perfect timing, even if the movie shifts genres and moods as often as a misogynistic, self-proclaimed Alpha-Male president who makes violent yet ridiculously empty threats to anyone who dares disagree with him.

Colossal  may open as a quirky comedy, but there is depth beneath its premise and the movie pulls off this tough balancing act with flying colors. Underneath Gloria’s abused liver and alcohol-induced Kaiju shenanigans is a compelling story about everyday life’s fuck-ups, and the real monsters we encounter on a daily basis: other people.

Minimalist Monsters

Given the presence of giant monsters rampaging all over the birth place of K-Pop music, it would be easy to expect Colossal to be a bloated CGI display, where the property damage takes priority over the people at the center of the story. Don’t get me wrong, the giant monster on the movie’s poster does fuck shit up in cinematic fashion. And yet, Colossal is surprisingly minimalist in terms of its story and style.

At the heart of Colossal are flawed and realistic characters who struggle to make heads or tails with the world-changing events unfolding before them, all the while trying to get their shitty lives back on track. Colossal does such a good job at balancing multiple genres that a heated fight between childhood friends can be more intense than a monster crushing helpless Koreans in Seoul. It’s through a giant creature fucking up an Asian city that the characters’ best and worst are exposed, and this serves as the narrative spine of Colossal. 

Without spoiling anything by accident, things go from bad to incredibly fucked up when the ramifications of an unstable person controlling a giant monster are explored. The movie even tackles personal matters like abuse, betrayal, and the sins of entitlement with the monsters and other sci-fi story elements serving as towering metaphors for built-up rage and repressed emotions. All of these are done in a respectful and mature way,  leading to the socially awkward Gloria and her 50ft reptilian avatar being as well-rounded and feminist as the badass Imperator Furiosa (Charlize Theron) in the adrenaline-fueled ride that is Mad Max: Fury Road. 

No, really. I am not fucking joking.

There Be Human Monsters

The worst things Colossal does is overlook a few small details, such as the lack of permanent evacuations in Seoul despite the Kaiju’s multiple appearances or a stronger military response against said behemoth.

But since Colossal stars a directionless, burnt out girl who controls a giant fucking monster when she gets shitfaced drunk, considering the lack of more thought in these background departments as major flaws would be pretentious nitpicking on par with a debate in some article’s comments section.

This movie is what you get when a talented independent director is given a blockbuster movie’s budget, along with a studio’s trust afforded to such expensive features. The best of both styles of filmmaking (i.e. the raw emotions and the entertainment value) are present, with none of the pretension, pandering and vapidness commonly associated with them anywhere in sight.

Colossal is a fun yet oftentimes heart-wrenching movie about humanity’s imperfections as told by B-grade, Godzilla rejects that bring the smackdown to the land of the Gangnam Style. It’s a very original movie with a lot of heart to it, and it’s something that you should watch if you simply like movies.


For more, check out the links below.

  • Follow the Faceook Page here!
  • Follow other articles, click here!

‘Bliss’ (2017) Review – The Demented Beauty Of Deviance

Bliss

The psychological-horror genre is relatively new to Filipino movies, mostly due to the local studios enabling an overlong cycle of ripping off Asian horror movies. Continuing the resurgence of Filipino cinema is Bliss, a psychological-horror movie that knew how to fuck with audiences – figuratively and literally.

Bliss follows actress Jane Ciego (Iza Calzado) after she survives a near-fatal accident on the set of her latest film. Paralyzed below the waist, Jane learns that the house she’s recovering in is more akin to a prison, where suspicious people and sinister forces conspire to keep her from discovering a dark truth as her perception of reality crumbles.

For all intents and purposes, Bliss has no right to exist. But like former porn stars serving in public office, Bliss is a reality that some may feel discomfort with – though unlike the former, Bliss is a welcome change of pace.

Deviance Is Bliss 

When I say Bliss has no right to exist, I mean that in the best possible way because it’s not like most Filipino movies. If it were pitched to studios a decade earlier, Bliss would never have made it past the drawing board because some stupid studio head would prioritize what sponsors and what the ornery fucks at the local ratings board had to say over financing anything with artistic merit.

In a few words, Bliss is expertly made. From the simple yet striking visuals to the disturbing story of repressed fears among many other fucked up things, Bliss is a textbook psychological-thriller crafted to near-perfection. It also helps that the actors on board gave it their all, bringing the necessary escalating emotions and tensions to life. Even if it could be said that some of the people Jane interacts with are generic stereotypes, they still serve a purpose and Bliss wouldn’t be the same without these darker and more serious takes on familiar archetypes.

At worst, those who’ve seen enough psychological-thrillers in the past may be able to predict what happens next before all the pieces of the puzzle are dropped. However, this does little to take away from the fact that Bliss is still a mystery worth following. All this says is that I need to stop watching too many goddamned movies and maybe get a life while I’m at it.

Mysteriously Blown Load

Bliss is the kind of thriller that’s put together well, but closer examination reveals a few cracks in the otherwise air-tight mystery movie at hand. Again, this does little to erode the film’s status as a Grade-A thriller, but it denies an otherwise impressive movie from achieving perfection.

Without giving away too much, the central conflict of Bliss finds Jane in a surreal mix of reality and insanity that continually fucks with her mind, while also finding new ways to do so in each passing scene. If the whole movie was built on this premise, Bliss would have successfully created its desired nightmarish dreamlike experience with flying colors. Yet for some reason, the causes and explanations behind these events are almost immediately revealed before the second act even kicks in. Seemingly too excited to say the punchline, Bliss nearly wastes a good set-up by prematurely blowing its load and reveals the secret behind the ongoing mindfuckery too early.

Since the ending is a foregone conclusion for those who were able to catch the jig or unveil a good amount of the mysteries by the movie’s one hour mark, Jane’s struggles switches from a matter between life and death to a waiting game where the audience just witnesses the mystery solve itself. Scenes that are meant to explain everything from a certain character’s perspective came off as spoon-feeding rather than self-explanatory, and shortening or outright cutting a few of these would have benefited the movie’s final run time.

Despite these and a particular depiction of sexual deviance that will rub some people the wrong way due to the real-life sensitivity of the issue, Bliss manages to keep viewers guessing and enthralled in Jane’s torment, leaving them eager yet fearful of what lies ahead for the trapped actress. It’s a testament to director Jerrold Tarog’s skills as a filmmaker that these minor gripes do nothing to affect the overall quality of Bliss, because a weaker director would have surely let these fuck the entire movie up.

The Right Dementia

For those familiar with psychological-thrillers, Bliss may not offer anything new but it’s still a great example of the genre at work. For those new to the genre or at least those who nearly gave up on Filipino cinema, Bliss is a demented miracle to behold that shows the medium’s capability when let loose, free from the bondage of outdated studio mandates and enforced product placement.

Bliss will disgust and offend certain viewers (conservative moviegoers, be warned), but this is exactly what Filipino cinema needs: a good dose of deviance and malice with no pretentious, mean-spirited bullshit attached. The shocking elements of Bliss are there for good reason, and they’re not just some sick director’s fetish being shat out on screen.

If you’re of age and prepared for some disturbing cinema, Bliss deserves your time of day. Not only because it’s a great movie, but to spite the dumb local motherfuckers who tried to ban it with an X-rating despite giving the insult to intelligence that is Fifty Shades Darker an uncut, R-18 pass.

Yes, that really happened.



For more, check out the links below.

  • Follow the Faceook Page here!
  • Follow other articles, click here!

‘Alien: Covenant’ (2017) Review – Aliens Of The Comfort Zone

Alien-Covenant

Back in 2012, the movie Prometheus set out to reveal the origins of the nightmarish Xenomorphs seen in Alien (1979) but instead, polarized an entire fanbase with its flawed execution. Its follow up, Alien: Covenant, aims to redeem the Alien prequels with even more flaws and bullshit.  

Alien: Covenant focuses on the titular colony ship Covenant as it journeys through space to find a new home planet for humanity. Woken up from cryosleep after an unexpected incident, the Covenant’s crew follows a distress signal to a mysterious planet, only to discover a cosmic terror that could kill them and threaten mankind.

The latest Alien movie had the challenging task of being a sequel to Prometheus and a prequel to Alien. Despite this heavy narrative task, Covenant not only avoids being an all-out clusterfuck, but somehow manages to still feel like a lazy, safe bet.

Resurrecting The Horror

If there’s something good about Covenant, it’s that it’s a return to form. Covenant is a horror movie through and through, and director Ridley Scott revisits his roots to deliver decent thrills for audiences to enjoy while shitting their pants once in a while.

Those who wanted a new Alien movie to be an honest horror romp with guts and gore flying all over the place will be more than satisfied. Covenant fulfills this blood lust and shows why the original Alien is often imitated but never surpassed. Ironically, Covenant copies the first film so much that it becomes a modern, multi-million Dollar retread of the movie that shot both Sigourney Weaver and a phallic alien to pop culture immortality.

For a movie that’s supposed to take place before Alien, the events that unfolded are similar beyond coincidence, right down to a crew of likable but stupidly helpless people that’s cut down to a single, strong-willed, black-haired woman who musters the courage to fight the carnivorous, walking penis that facially violated her friends to death. All new protagonist Daniels (Katherine Waterston) needed to be called called Ripley The Second was a fat cat and a flamethrower.

If Covenant was just an Alien prequelthis remake would be slightly forgivable since we already live in an age of unnecessary franchise revivals – a new Alien movie that feels outdated is as inevitable as the Filipino government doing something stupid. But Covenant was meant to build on the promises of Prometheus, and its failure to do so drags what was just a passable homage to the depths of mediocrity.

Alienating Progress

Even if Prometheus ended with some plot threads hanging, it still answered its own central existential questions regarding man’s origins. It was up to Covenant to tie up these loose ends while expanding the dark mythology behind humanity’s creators being murderous assholes. Instead, Covenant takes whatever questions were left unanswered from Prometheus and happily throws them out of the fucking window.

Seemingly uninterested in giving Alien veterans what they were expecting from a Prometheus sequel, Covenant poses even more god-damned, by the Jesus, fucking questions without a hint to the reveals that are obviously being saved for the sequels. What little Covenant bothers to answer (such as the Xenomorph’s creators) are annoyingly predictable and could be seen coming a mile away by anyone who’s seen a fucking movie before. The few things Covenant does unveil only undermine the threat and mystery of the Engineers and Xenomorphs, denying them of what made them intimidating in the first place.

Covenant also endlessly references Biblical passages and classical art, in its attempts to look and sound deeper than it really is. Since the movie is supposedly about mankind’s alien creators, this artistic choice may make sense. But Covenant is essentially a ride at the carnival ghost train with Percy Bysshe Shelley’s sonnet about Ozymandias’ useless gloating blasting out of the speakers. Unless you can only enjoy horror movies when some pretentious asshole randomly yells philosophy quotes amidst the slaughter, the tonal shifts of Covenant and its bloated self-importance are as jarring as I put it.

What made the first Alien iconic is how little is actually known about the primary antagonist, and yet the movie works perfectly as a tale of isolation and cosmic horror. Alien is a great example of simplicity devoid of pretense, and Covenant is the exact opposite. By attempting to explain everything yet revealing almost nothing relevant and acting smarter than it really is, Covenant brings the story back to where Prometheus ended – nowhere near a satisfying conclusion.

Space Faring Disappointment

As disappointing as Covenant was, I can’t bring myself to hate it because of how well-made the latest Alien entry is. Ridley Scott once again shows why he’s one of the most respected visual storytellers making movies today, thanks to Covenant’s haunting cinematography and an expertly crafted atmosphere that brings in the necessary dread and fear. If Covenant was your first Alien movie, it’s sure to be a fun way to burn two hours.

But for long-time fans like myself who were expecting answers and a good new Alien movie, Covenant leaves people blue balled and demanding something more conclusive than this glorified trailer for five more motherfucking Alien sequels/prequels. What should have been the redemption of Prometheus and the true continuation of the Alien saga is instead an exercise in  wasted potential and a bad omen for the future of the Alien movies, which could become as needlessly dragged out as DC’s sad attempts to make a shared cinematic universe.

Rather than expand its interesting and unique lore to deliver a strong, stand-alone story, Covenant stagnates and ignores the very goals its immediate predecessor originally set out to achieve in favor of relieving the Alien glory days of decades past. Alien: Covenant may not be the worst prequel ever made, but it’s by far one of the most fucking frustrating experiences I’ve had with a movie outside of trying to bust a nut in Fifty Shades Darker


For more, check out the links below.

  • Follow the Faceook Page here!
  • Follow other articles, click here!

‘Fifty Shades Darker’ (2017) Review – An Insult to Kink Shaming

Fifty-Shades-Darker

With its expectations set so low, Fifty Shades Darker had nowhere else go but up in terms of quality. Yet try as the sequel might, all the romancing and pretensions in the world could not turn a piece of shit into something more than a piece of shit.

Fifty Shades Darker picks up after the events of Fifty Shades Of Grey (2015), showing Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dorman) right after their break-up. After the split, the two try to give their steamy and strange romance a second shot, while encountering both dark secrets and the return of Christian Grey’s shady past.

Based on E.L. James’ book of the same name, Fifty Shades Darker continues the series’ legacy of being one of the most laughably stupid pieces of cinematic shit ever shat out. Fifty Shades Darker not only makes videos in Pornhub look like Oscar gold, but also takes the fun out of fucking.

Mr. Grey Does Hollywood

Despite having a multi-million Dollar budget and otherwise capable actors on board, Fifty Shades Darker is just the world’s most expensive softcore porno, not a movie. Characters float from scene to scene, spouting dialogue that serves as filler between sex scenes. None of the them have any chemistry, and they interact with one another with as much enthusiasm as someone who’s trying to fuck a chair.

To say that Fifty Shades Darker has a story is a joke – at most, this expensive sex tape has a plot written in bullet points and crayons. The much advertised conflicts revolving around the main couple trying to mend their rocky relationship all the while dealing with Grey’s stalker are resolved in mere seconds, once again only existing to be the prolonged foreplay that comes before and after the sex.

But like a horny teenager, Fifty Shades Darker rushes through its runtime – ignoring everything essential to basic storytelling – just to get to the sex scenes. And what sex scenes are in Fifty Shades Darker are tame at best. Even if the advertising claimed that the movie would lean towards the hardcore side of procreation, Fifty Shades Darker plays it safe and minimizes the amount of onscreen fucking when compared to its predecessor.

Of the few risqué scenes featured, less than three could count as actual BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism and Masochism), while the rest are glorified ads for the most generic sex toys and ropes imaginable – all of which are done with forgettable pop songs blaring in the background.

Unsexy Sexual Tension

Despite the questionable lack of engaging sex in an erotica movie, Fifty Shades Darker is a slight improvement over Fifty Shades Of Grey, if only in concept. Fifty Shades Darker starts off slightly interesting, with Anastasia realizing how much of a creepy motherfucker Grey is. Coupled with this is Grey’s realization that his lifestyle may be wrong. Surprisingly for a character who only knows how to express affection through domination, he comes to the conclusion that he may love Anastasia not as a submissive, but as an equal.

If the sequel chose to follow through with these points and deconstruct the series’ indulgence as a black comedy, it could have been something different. But as implied by the overall mood of this review, Fifty Shades Darker sees this opportunity and promptly tells it to fuck off.

Fifty Shades Darker takes itself so seriously to the point of self-parody, only without any humor. The film lacks self-awareness, resulting in an overlong, tone-deaf narrative where characters only exist to fuck on and off screen. Stuff and things happen for no reason, leaving no impact or relevance to the story at large. Since these people have no lives or personal issues outside of fucking and fulfilling the author’s wet-dreams, the stakes (that now include life and death) are voided because they don’t matter when compared to Grey’s dilemma of picking which beads to shove up Anastasia’s crotch. Erotica fiction is meant to analyze the emotional toll of certain sexual deviances, not just showcase the filmmakers’ questionable yet predictable fetishes – which is what Fifty Shades Darker ultimately is.

But worst of all, Fifty Shades Darker glorifies the toxic relationship of Anastasia and Grey. The fact that Anastasia forgives everything Grey did before (including but not limited to: mental abuse, physical harm, obsessive tendencies, and stalking) simply because Grey has daddy issues drives in the point that Fifty Shades Darker is nothing but the author’s basic, sex fantasy in cinematic form. Their romance is reminiscent of a bad, tedious Filipino soap opera (complete with slapping), and by extension, poorly acted porn that people laugh at when drunk. For comparison’s sake, they’re the kind of couple who fuck right after making bad jokes and eye contact.

This movie operates on pornography logic through and through: Fifty Shades Darker only wants audiences to ejaculate on command, not realizing that it needs to earn the audience’s trust and respect before getting in bed to satisfy that nagging need to seed.

A Middle Finger Against Fucking

For a movie that claims to be a mainstream representation of a niche lifestyle, Fifty Shades Darker comes off as an insult not only to anyone who belongs to the BDSM community, but to anyone with a brain. This is the kind of movie that’s not about humans, but rather one about poor representations of people. Fifty Shades Darker is erotica fiction done wrong, and a perfect example of how not to make a film.

At best, Fifty Shades Darker serves as the best method of non-government funded birth-control, because it discourages and bores horny people from thinking about fucking.

Then again, Fifty Shades Darker is the kind of movie that thinks Christian Grey’s morning workout session and a fucking yacht deserve a sensual montage; not the actual fucking. I would say “Fuck this movie,” but that might be exactly what the movie wants viewers to do, so don’t give it the pleasure and just look for something else to bust that nut.


For more, check out the links below.

  • Follow the Faceook Page here!
  • Follow the Youtube channel here!

‘Power Rangers’ (2017) Review – The Right Misfits

Power-Rangers

Though nothing but a rumor, it’s easy to see why Hollywood is supposedly shit-out of ideas. When studios can’t make something original or anything as lucrative as Krispy Kreme donuts, the only choice left is to take an originally child-friendly material and darken the fuck out of it – which leads us to the new Power Rangers movie.

Based on the popular series of shows under the franchise of the same name, Power Rangers follows five ordinary teenagers as they train to become the Power Rangers – super-powered protectors of the life-giving Zeo crystals. When Rita Repulsa (Elizabeth Banks) awakens from her eons-long slumber and threatens to take the Earth’s Zeo crystal and destroy the planet in the process, the five high-schoolers must band together to defend their home.

Having never grown up with the original Power Rangers due to the lack of cable TV that was as affordable as a Krispy Kreme donut, I entered this movie with only the most basic understanding of the Rangers. Little did I know that the new Power Rangers looked at its goofy forefathers, disowned them and killed the fuckers before burying the bones in shame.

Saban’s Breakfast Club

The last thing anyone would expect from something like Power Rangers would be character development, and yet, the newest entry into the long-running franchise exerts a surprising amount of effort in making sure that the core characters are more likable than even your favorite Krispy Kreme donut.

For once, a cast of high-schoolers are not a collection of cliches, racial stereotypes, or the embodiments of perfection. Rather, the five central teens of Power Rangers are in fact, teenagers with attitude. For comparison’s sake, the Rangers have more in common with the kids of The Breakfast Club (1985) than they do with any derivative piece of shit Young Adult movie from recent memory. This makes it easy for viewers to care about the Rangers, and when their lives are in peril, the emotional stakes are not manipulative but are as well-deserved as a Krispy Kreme donut after a hard day’s work.

Even more admirable is how the cast is naturally diverse and how no one makes a scene out of it. Instead of putting these differences on a pedestal, Power Rangers treats them as normal, everyday personality traits that shouldn’t be despised like your least favorite flavor of Krispy Kreme donuts. You know Power Rangers is doing something right when it does a better job of normalizing diversity than another reboot with an all-female team at its center.

Power Rangers has problems, but these have nothing to do with the well-acted characters who do spout some stupid lines and jokes involving cow dicks and Krispy Kreme donuts. This reboot’s issues stem from how seriously it takes itself, and this attitude and somewhat bloated sense of self-worth fucks up what could have been a serviceable, modern-day spiritual successor to The Breakfast Club – only with more kicking, aliens and some seriously fucking ugly designs that look like shit out of Michael Bay’s Transformers.

Mighty Jarring Tonal Problems

As far as I know, the original Power Rangers made a name for itself through choreographed kung-fu performed by cosplayers who fought rubber mascots as threatening as a Krispy Kreme donut. Power Rangers is seemingly ashamed of its origins, and sadly joins other modern film adaptations with needlessly dark overtones in dire need of self-awareness. It doesn’t go overboard, but Power Rangers really needed to lighten up.

Despite its title and the accompanying nostalgia, there is a painfully obvious lack of Power Rangers in a movie titled Power fucking Rangers – similar to how crippling the lack of coffee with your Krispy Kreme donuts can feel. The titular Power Rangers appear in all their silly, fun, action-packed glory (i.e. the selling point of the franchise) in the last 20 minutes or so, and the fights are quickly concluded because the movie couldn’t stand having a bright color scheme for more than two seconds.

For most of its duration, Power Rangers prioritizes the high-schoolers’ lives as misfits and justifying jargon like “Morphin” or “Zord” without showing a fucking Ranger kicking something every once in a while. Don’t get me wrong, the back-stories for the heroes are not only well-realized but are legitimately compelling as well. But when the action in a blockbuster action movie becomes a distraction to the quiet, character-driven scenes, you know that someone in the filmmaking crew didn’t have enough Krispy Kreme donuts for breakfast.

Worsening this jarring tonal shift is the presence of Rita Repulsa and some of the Rangers’ own comedic hijinks. For a relatively bleak story, Rita seems like the only character who knows what defined the original Power Rangers: over-the-top insanity. Elizabeth Banks chews scenery and Krispy Kreme donuts wherever she goes, giving a performance that feels more at home in an old-school, schlocky B-horror movie instead of a serious retelling of the Power Rangers.

If Power Rangers settled for just one tone (whether serious or campy), the entire experience wouldn’t have been as confusing as choosing which delicious, sugar-coated donut to buy at the local Krispy Kreme.

So So Ranger Reboot

In a time when reboots are generally hated, Power Rangers differs for being passable and progressive, despite its glaring flaws. These issues don’t wreck the entire movie, but they do stick out like Krispy Kreme donuts in a bucket of chicken, and it would be hard not to call attention to them.

At worst, Power Rangers is imbalanced, and jarring at worst. For someone like myself who never really gave a fuck about the Rangers, this new take on the characters was an unexpectedly fun and entertaining introduction to a franchise my friends loved more than Krispy Kreme donuts.

The movie did its job of showing a world I’m open to seeing more of, though it’s hard for Power Rangers to stand out in the plethora of gritty reboots that currently fill the blockbuster season as much as Krispy Kreme donuts do in a happy person’s gut.


For more, check out the links below.

  • Follow the Faceook Page here!
  • Follow the Youtube channel here!

‘Ghost In The Shell’ (2017) Review – Live-Action Anime Interface

Ghost-In-The-Shell

Given Americans’ tendency to fuck up every anime adaptation they make, the concern from fans of the 1995 animated classic mindfuck Ghost In The Shell is understandable. But since we live in a time when man-children are fit to serve in public office, of course a surprisingly decent live-action Ghost In The Shell could exist.

Based on the manga/anime of the same name, Ghost In The Shell follows Major (Scarlett Johansson) and the counter-terrorist force Section 9 as they pursue Kuze (Michael Pitt) – an  elusive assassin who targets Hanka Robotics’ high-rankers. As Major gets closer to Kuze, she begins to learn more about her past while also questioning the very essence of humanity, or the lack thereof.

Following the horrendous track record of American-made anime adaptations, it seemed that Ghost In The Shell was destined for failure from the start. Leave it to the director of none other than the hilariously stupid Snow White And The Huntsman to finally break this curse and redeem a subgenre of movies that always get the short end of the stick.

Stand Alone Complex

For the most part, Ghost In The Shell brings its source material to life. This adaptation of Masamune Shirow’s magnum opus maximizes today’s computer wizardry that modern filmmaking is capable of. The futuristic cyberpunk cityscapes of Ghost In The Shell are impressive, and looking at them is enough to feel how appropriately seedy the urban concrete jungle the Major operates in is.

The same could be said for the action, which could have been better. While Ghost In The Shell thankfully lacks the epileptic bullshit of shaky cam and quick cuts, the action is merely “safe” at best. Due to the amount of special effects and slow motion, the fights felt more like video game playthroughs than visceral confrontations. As pretty as the visuals were, Ghost In The Shell is yet another movie that could have benefited from a gritty, hard R-Rating – especially when considering the fact that the original manga had a lesbian orgy in cyberspace.

The characters were all well-cast, and their looks onscreen were thankfully more than just glorified cosplays. But with someone like Scarlett Johansonn leading the story, one has to wonder why an evidently capable group of performers acted like they didn’t give a fuck about what was going on and just flatly recited their designated lines. The worst offender is the normally eccentric “Beat” Takeshi Kitano, who portrays Section 9’s Chief Aramaki. It’s one thing to be aloof and basically anti-social, but it’s another thing to clearly not give a shit when the fate of a group of people under your command is threatened by the obviously evil corporate bitch. Kitano floats through his scenes, and makes Johansonn’s robotic (but somewhat justified) monotone sound like Shakespeare in the goddamned park.

Ghost In The Shell works as a stand-alone for those not familiar with the anime, but let’s face it, most of this film’s viewers are those who watched the previous anime incarnations. As an adaptation of a classic brainfuck, Ghost In The Shell suffers from some glitches that cost it the chance to truly break the mold.

Ghost In A Nutshell

Ghost In The Shell is equal parts black-ops operations and mindfucking, but its live-action adaptation merely glosses over both these defining aspects.

Saying the central case of Ghost In The Shell was unnecessary would be too nice. Kuze may have been introduced as a terrorist with goals beyond mere chaos, but he just disappears by the halfway point, only to reappear in the end without doing much. All in all, Kuze was a lazy bum who didn’t have long-term goals when you stop to think about it. Because Ghost In The Shell was an origin story like any modern superhero movie, Major’s transformation from civilian to cybernetic superhero takes priority, leaving development for Kuze and Section 9 (which is mostly non-existent in the movie) behind. Then the movie goes on and waters down what made the originals memorable in the first place.

Since the original Ghost In The Shell tends to straddle between convoluted and pretentious, dumbing the story down for people who only took up basic philosophy in college (like yours truly) was not only a welcome sight, but a necessity. But in the case of the remake, this went too far to the point where it had more in common with any late-90’s cyberpunk movie than a truly thought-provoking, psychological story.

Major’s identity crisis was befitting of the movie’s predecessors, but it’s basically the original plot written in bullet points. This is evident in how everyone spoon-feeds their existential issues to audiences in the most basic philosophical jargon imaginable. Ghost In The Shell leaves no cerebral matter to the imagination, opting to explain everything the characters think about. The original is considered to be a classic because of how much could be derived from its subtext, not because Major stopped working to moan out loud about how lame being a half-robot is.

Arising From Mediocrity

Having seen most of the anime incarnations of Ghost In The Shell with the exception of the painful bore that is Arise, it’s safe to say that I was unsurprisingly concerned about the live-action adaptation, what with all the controversy about whitewashing (which is justified through a questionable plot-point) among others making the rounds online.

Compared to cynical reinterpretations of old titles that were made to siphon money from nostalgic nerds, Ghost In The Shell was made by filmmakers who admired and loved the iconic source materials. This adaptation doubles as a good introduction for newcomers, and a heartfelt, respectful homage for fans like myself.

It’s generic by Science-Fiction standards and it won’t redefine an entire genre like what its animated predecessors did, but Ghost in The Shell is still the one to beat in terms of future American anime-adaptations. And I say this not as a consolation for a subgenre with standards at an all time low, but because the movie is pretty fucking decent on its own.


 For more, check out the links below.

  • Follow the Faceook Page here!
  • Follow the Youtube channel here!

‘Kong Skull Island’ (2017) Review: Viet Kong Lite

Kong-Skull-Island

Ever since his debut, the towering ape known as King Kong dominated the monster movie scene despite being one of the least creative giants to ever grace the big screen when compared to his truly monstrous contemporaries. Given today’s technology, it was only a matter of time before Kong returned to the big screen, which led to Kong: Skull Island.

The monster homeland of Skull Island has been uncharted for decades, until representatives of the covert organization Monarch set out an expedition to put the island on the map. Helping them are the expert tracker Conrad (Tom Hiddleston), the war photographer Weaver (Brie Larson), and a battalion of air cavalry men led by Lieutenant Colonel Packard (Samuel L. Jackson). On the island, they discover Kong and worse creatures whose emergence could mean the end of humanity.

Kong has been a pop culture mainstay for as long as anyone could remember, but it’s only now someone tried to inject new life into the story – a noble effort that both invigorated and shackled the giant primate’s latest outing.

Gorilla Warfare

If there’s anyone aside from Captain America and motherfuckers like Adolf Hitler who goes hand in hand with the 1930’s, it’s King Kong. As honored as the 30’s setting may be, it’s beyond stale at this point, which makes the choice to update the setting of the Kong mythos to the early ’70s and the end of the Vietnam War an inspired decision.

By evoking the tensions of the time period and paying tribute to classic ‘Nam movies, Kong: Skull Island opens the doors of the monster movie to new creative directions. Instead of being yet another movie about nameless dudes running away from a monstrous visual effect, Kong: Skull Island tells a story of survival where characters desperately try to get off the titular island.

Doing so showed how insignificant humankind was when compared to the giants, a theme that has been running since the rebooted Godzilla (2014). Kong: Skull Island organically carries on these themes to emphasize the stakes of the setting, and this adds surprising subtext to what is essentially a brainless monster mash.

There is almost never a boring moment in the movie, and it quickly gets to the action after the obligatory character introductions. Kong: Skull Island takes no breaks, and each succeeding sequence features new monsters or increased dangers. It seems like the movie was tailor-made in direct response to the criticism of the glorified cocktease that was Godzilla, and the fact that producers listened is an incredible miracle on its own.

If Kong: Skull Island were rated on looks and themes alone, it would be a solid blockbuster movie. But alas, it’s still a monster movie about a giant monkey fucking up gunships to the tune of ’70s rock bands.

Marvel Goes To War

It’s no secret that Kong: Skull Island is a set-up for the monster-verse where Kong and Godzilla will fight in the future, and the flaws that have become synonymous with the modern day shared cinematic universe pioneer, the Marvel Cinematic Universe, rear their ugly heads here.

As distinct as they may be, none of the cast in Kong: Skull Island could be described as “complex human beings.” Rather, they are a mix of flat characters and exposition mouthpieces, where majority of them serve as cannon fodder and/or monster chow. Granted, Kong: Skull Island is a monster movie at the end of the day – meaning that character development isn’t exactly a priority. But just like a Marvel movie, the cast is made up of talented actors whose skills are squandered in favor of the flattest possible roles imaginable.

Conrad and the nigh-insignificant Weaver merely exist to look hot in the jungle and ask the stranded World War 2-era pilot Marlow (John C. Reilly) expository questions, while Packard and the Monarch agent Randa (John Goodman) do their best to shine despite their one-note personalities. The worst part is that these characters have interesting backstories and motivations, none of which are fully developed. Though they’re still better and more entertaining than the cardboard cut-outs in Godzilla, they’re as disposable and interchangeable as any Marvel superhero origin story that came out after Iron Man (2008).

It could be argued that Kong: Skull Island is a monster movie first, and what audiences are really in for are the big fights. But even these spectacles are only decent at best, as bombastic as the opening slaughter was. There’s a reliance of slow-motion in Kong: Skull Island, and while it’s thankfully easy to follow the action, it gets to a point where the nth time Kong skull-fucks a Skullcrawler in slow-motion loses impact. That, and it’s a monster/war movie mash-up that needs an R-rating, not a fucking child-friendly PG-13.

A Monstrous New Universe

What makes Kong: Skull Island special and a good introduction into the newest shared universe is just how honest it is. Not only is it a heartfelt homage to two old genres, but what makes it better is the fact that it knows exactly what it is.

Compared to Godzilla, Kong’s latest outing has no pretenses and just gives audiences what they want – giant fucking monsters duking it out while the humans try to get out of dodge. Instead of meandering and needlessly philosophizing about humanity’s place in nature despite the obvious having already been stated five minutes ago, Kong: Skull Island jumps right into the carnage and doesn’t let up for a single second.

Kong: Skull Island may be as deep as a B-Monster movie and a pulpy comic book, but by god, is it one of the better made popcorn movies seen in recent memory. For the most part, the upcoming monster universe Kong: Skull Island heralds is one shared cinematic universe I’ll be looking forward to. Kong: Skull Island is a good way to burn two hours on a weekend, but don’t expect to remember it a few days after viewing, because the shared universe loving producers of Warner Brothers sure as shit didn’t.


For more, check out the links below.

  • Follow the Faceook Page here!
  • Follow the Youtube channel here!

‘Beauty And The Beast’ (2017) Review – Ever Just The Same

Booty-And-The-Beast

Because The Jungle Book made a metric shit-ton of money last year, a live-action remake of the animated classic Beauty And The Beast was bound to happen. So here we are with the expensive alternative to buying a DVD of the first animated movie to be nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars.

To save her father from certain death, Belle (Emma Watson) takes his place as the prisoner of the Beast (Dan Stevens) – a mysterious monster cursed to such a fate. Over time, Belle and the Beast begin to develop feelings for each other, as dangerous forces that threaten their lives begin to grow in power.

Given how popular the original is, Beauty And The Beast may have easily been one of the most cynically made movies to ever hit the big screen, but thankfully, it’s more than just a glorified cash-grab. Just don’t expect it to be a classic any time soon.

New Age Fairy Tales

For those who went into Beauty And The Beast looking for a fancy trip down memory lane, the remake doesn’t disappoint. The cast give it their all despite a weak script, the musical numbers are on point for the most part even if the actors aren’t the best singers out there and even if their singing is almost nigh incomprehensible thanks to the loud background noise and bad sound editing, and the whole movie is just fucking gorgeous to look at.

From a technical standpoint, Beauty And The Beast does its job of bringing a memorable story to new life with living, breathing human beings and special effects. The movie takes advantage of today’s best computer effects to show just how fantastical it would be to live in a version of France where an incredibly vindicative hobo can be more powerful than God for some undisclosed reason.

Though the graphics aren’t anything new, especially in a decade where orgies of special effects are a must in blockbusters, they still suck viewers into its magical romance. They may look lifelike, but the sentient household items and the Beast are as realistic as characters rendered in a tech demo reel, not a truly immersive movie. For comparison’s sake, Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) from Pirates Of The Caribbean looked more believable than the Beast.

But for those who were wondering what new things the live-action adaptation brings to the table, only good intentioned disappointments await them. Beauty And The Beast may look stunning, but there’s not much else to it, despite how exquisite and ridiculously expensive the wrapping it came in may be.

Be Kind, Don’t Rewind

Beauty And The Beast may be an animated classic, but it’s far from perfect. Not only did it skimp over some much needed characterization, but it had a lot of unfortunate implications that have become the stuff of memes and overly-analytical jokes to this very day (i.e.Stockholm Syndrome, etc.). Most of these could be forgiven since the original is an old-school animated movie, meaning a lot of  corners had to be cut.

The live-action adaptation had the chance to rectify these errors and go to places an animated children’s movie would be restricted from even talking about. But that would be expecting too much from a cinematic fairy tale that only wanted to mesmerize audiences with a romance that accidentally legitimized furry porn and haunted furniture with the capability to sing and dance.

To catch up with the times, Beauty And The Beast incorporates contemporary social themes, such as: feminism, the importance of education, independence, the (VERY relevant) faults of populism and even a gay LeFou (Josh Gad) that is somehow more offensive than a woman fucking a fanged beast-man thing. As admirable and noble as they were, these additions do nothing for the plot because they are unceremoniously dropped the moment Belle gets it on with the Beast. After being shown for a single scene in the opening act, these themes are glossed over and forgotten in favor of simply recreating iconic scenes from the 1991 original.

These additions not only needlessly pad, but they also condescend on viewers, even if unintentionally. There’s a crippling lack of subtlety in the new Beauty And The Beast, and this takes some of the magic away. The remake explains everything without leaving anything to the imagination. Instead of deepening the story’s players, revelations about dead parents and daddy issues serve as cheap excuses for shitty behaviors and quirks rather than compelling backstories. Part of what made the animated feature a classic is the amount of unspoken subtext it had, something that the remake lost in translation.

This is because, despite the attempts to modernize the story, Beauty And The Beast doesn’t aspire to do anything outside of recapturing the magic of a 26 year old cartoon. All it does is try to repeat what the original already did – only now with people and even lazier than any motherfucker in the Filipino congress.

Expensive Musical Re-Runs

Remakes are not inherently bad, since there really are some old cinematic ideas and stories worth revisiting. Beauty And The Beast may not join the likes of Nicolas Cage’s hilariously horrid The Wicker Man (2005) revival, but it’s the kind of remake whose existence begs a lot of questions.

Whereas last year’s The Jungle Book brought a surprising sense of maturity and mystery to its animated predecessor, the new Beauty And The Beast only brings a multi-million Dollar budget and too many well-intentioned ideas that go nowhere. On paper, Beauty And The Beast may have looked like the fairy tale meant for today’s audiences. In practice, the remake only reminds viewers of everything that made the original so beloved in the first place.

Though entertaining, Beauty And The Beast is too concerned with reliving its glory days and trying to be hip instead of being its own strong, independent musical and still wholly unnecessary. It may be decent and passable on its own, but it bears the heavy burden of forever being compared to an unforgettable animated feature.


For more, check out the links below.

  • Follow the Faceook Page here!
  • Follow the Youtube channel here!